


Decaying.

by Dwaynekoya



Category: Original Work
Genre: Anxiety, Depression, Drugs, Gay dads, Other, References to Drugs, i have never used tags before dont mind me
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-21
Updated: 2018-11-21
Packaged: 2019-08-27 07:56:40
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 689
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16698475
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dwaynekoya/pseuds/Dwaynekoya
Summary: It has been a month since he watched the way Zarion jumped off the bridge. He is hoping someday he will be able to follow his footsteps.





	Decaying.

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first time posting something I´ve written online??? I´m going to try to upload more bits and pieces of their story from time to time. This is not the beginning of my story, nor it is the end, but I still wanted to share it so that I can receive critique. If you are taking your time to read it, thank you <3
> 
> (I would appreciate tips on naming/tagging stuff oof)

Everyone cares when it´s someone famous. No matter if they were fans of theirs or not, this lingers for days. Months. Even years.

I knew that if I were to die this way, no one would listen to my story the same as they do with their legends. And I thought it would be okay. To leave no memory of me behind.

What would my parents do if I were to disappear? I questioned myself every day. How long had it been since Darío had held me in his arms for the last time? I missed them so much. Yet I couldn´t bring myself to go back. If they saw me now, would they still love me? Is it okay for me to meet with them when I carry this cursed body? When the cheerful kid who they loved is gone, what remains? Even my soul feels tainted, inside of this almost weightless cage of flesh and bone. I can´t reply to their calls. Their voices start to vanish from my memories, but it´s better this way. They have no need to be close to someone like me.

I needed to talk about myself. Me. I. All I have now is myself. And no one wants to hear me out. But I want to tell. To tell someone how many days have passed without sleeping. To complain about my dry mouth. Someone who understands I give no shit anymore. The only person who talks to me is the dealer. And he´s not a lovely person, to say the least. In fact, I fear I only get out to see him. If I have to buy something, online it is. 

When the deliverywoman knocks on my door, I can see the clear disgust on her face. She´s disgusted about my very existence. The way I can´t get myself to take a shower and my hair stays greasy, stuck to my forehead. The way I probably reek of cheap alcohol, the same she brings home. She goes away, pronouncing no word as if I don´t deserve to have attention. I´m just left there to rot.

Dad, Darío, I don´t feel alive anymore. I feel as if I´m waiting for something that will never happen, but I have no hope left. Am I trying to die, or am I silently waiting for him to come back? Dad, Valentín, I can´t bring myself to touch your old guitar. I feel as if my fingers would break the strings, would make the wood turn putrefact. I envy you both. I can´t hide it. I want someone to hold me as close as you two are, as you two were, as you two have always been. And when I thought that was within my grasp, fate took it away. Is it fate, luck, or my own desperate measures? Is the world trying to tell me I belong no more? If I could, I´d exchange our lives, for I know he wouldn´t have come this path. Is that how you feel when you love someone as much as you do?

Sometimes, I see his number on my screen. All I can think about is how stupid that is. It´s not like I could pick it up and hear his voice. For starters, I doubt I´m seeing right. 

My stomach rumbles. I certainly don´t feel up to eating. Do I ever feel up to something? My mind is playing me tricks by keeping that question around. And I already know the answer.

No.

I only do what I need. What I really need. And that has actually reduced so much as time has passed. Eat. Take a shot. Bathroom stuff. That´s all. Sleep? Sometimes. When I can. That´s all I do. Nothing more, nothing less. For I am not brave enough as to try to end it just yet. I prefer to let it be decided by my very own fate. For that is what feels right.

My eyelids close. I wonder if I can finally rest.


End file.
